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Holiday is loosing its meaning.
First, the airasia luggage-handling crew has managed to rip open my "smiley" bag and take away my eye cooler-pad.
So far, my holiday is about a rendezvous with my 1020mm long Meade DS-127, getting rid of alarm clocks, claiming back my bed, being the first taster of every dish my granny produces on her wok, being instantaneously promoted as the family chauffeur, entertaining my cousin on msn, being an authentic potato couch watching telly and getting dvds heated up in players and forcing my acer laptop into operational conditions after spilling soup on the keyboard. One reason of not choosing acer:they always have no spare parts for old version of laptops in store and they need to wait for the factory in Taiwan to produce one.
Coming back to the family circle means learning the differences that the family members have acquired during my absence. The family’s preference of telly programs evolution is hard to catch up. That all-to-familiar electricity blackout in Sandakan is still hard to register in.
Then 2 weeks passed just like that. Thinking of how I let time slipped away like giving away freebies gives me swamps of nauseous feeling, really.

The clouds have different arrays everyday and the grass different degree of green.
Each planet takes turn to be in its greatest brilliancy every month and for May 2007, it’s Venus.

I remember the red bright star in Scorpio, “Antares” exactly the way as I have seen it years ago: when my telescope, a white refractor beauty, was first assembled by my bare hands with fingers laid on instructions guidebook and spana between teeth.
For years, it has been my light during the many blackouts in Sandakan, a jewel that I share to people I treasure, something that I look upon and see the awe of the Creator and a chest keeping all the memories of smiles, warmth, the past glorious days and tears.

I remember my first 5km run at 5.00am in the morning in Sandakan Sport Complex on the track around a lake: my dad was complaining about my noisy breathing and I was observing the water waves and ripples, their interferences and their patterns after leaving a small gap.

I remember my first movie when I was six: my parents brought my sister and I out for a romance during their anniversary, we were complaining to get to the loo and were fighting over popcorn and soda.

Remembering is a pleasure even the memory is a pain.
Sometimes i wish that life is but a movie, one that leaves you no pain- no puking feeling at sexual scenes, no heart-piercing and guts-digging sensation at violent moves, but like disney movies, with happy ending, with smiles and laughter, with reconciliations and hugs.
But life is different because even a chapter of your life ends with tears or with grudges but you can always find good things worth keeping in your brain neurons and things in the past are really beautiful being kept in the album
Things might turn out against the way you once expected it, or against the way which you have promised not to let it wear on reality but it’s always like the arrays of clouds, it’s unpredictable. It happens to me.
But when something sweet comes into this dimensions, the memory will always be there, in the hearts of people like Venus’ brilliancy and twinkle. It would be remembered because it was once hung over that piece of sky, its memory will run deep in the ancient secrets of the universe.

There are 2 types of person in this world:

1)Those who create story

2)Those who watch those stories being created

I don’t want to be either of them. I want to be the one writing them down. Countless events take place in a second and things that exist in this second might just disappear the next. Excitement is everywhere and if one is willing to seek, it’s not hard to be found. But what’s truly important is beyond all that laughter and noise. Someone might look quiet but beyond that lies the enthusiasm that can move mountains. This is what I learn this week-seeing beauty in ugliness. Many gossips and stories behind others’ backs that give bad impression of a person before one can have a fair chance encountering them. I learn to filter gossips, to give spaces for my own eyes to look at the beauty of each and everyone and this week I learn it looking at my classmates, my coursemates and my lecturer.

Beyond each and everyone in ALG10B, there lies a story that tells who they really are. Each story tells a person’s life of comedy and dissapointments.

Behind the frequent attendance of my coursemates in CA, there lies a force that pushes those who serve in CA, especially me. It encourages me so much. It’s an amazing story to tell:of those not obliged to come but make it a point to show their faces each time.

About my lecturer, it’s so much beyond all glory of physique perfection that attracts girls. I see dedication, humility and that is, personally, what makes him beautiful.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. The sky is beautiful with its blue and the clouds with its white. Humans are wonderful creature because God loves them all. I love them all.

Last week, A.Y.A(Asia Youth Ambassador) Festival  was held at Bukit Jalil Stadium in aid of the flood victims in Johor. A couple of friends and I signed up as volunteers and we were so blessed, especially during the anointing part and everyone(muscular nonetheless, including me) fell(physically, horizontally down to the ground) under the power of Holy Spirit. I could hear God speaking to me and comforting me. My tears streamed down my cheeks though my eyes were closed. Even I was just an usher and door keeper(instead of backstage crew), I really enjoyed myself. Sonicflood, Arise, Unabashed and Altered Frequency were there. Everyone worshiped God and I thought "Every Nation shout Your Name" could ever be so real. I shook hands with Andrew Tan from Malaysian Idol and all members of Sonicflood (except one of the guitarist) and I was really proud of them for as God’s children, regardless of their fame, they were humbled by God.

I went for 2 German Films on Monday and Friday nights at University Malaya and I enjoyed both greatly. The first one was about a cook while second one about Africa of which I have a soft spot on.

Yesterday,  we went to ACTS church Life Valentine Party and again, we were so blessed that our coursemates whom we reached out turned out and had fun. Evangelism is all about making friends.I received a lot from Pastor Kenneth and Pastor Sandra. Faith and vision are important elements that constitute to the formation of a relationship. Just as my friend, Eunice’s signature quote, "Singlehood is (indeed) a blessing".

As this coming Valentine is approaching, I have one man in mind, he whom I solely expose my butt to his cane. Miss counting his creases on his forehead since he went to Indonesia, hope to sink into his big tummy once I arrive at Sandakan Airport. Cheers to all whom I avidly love, my family, friends in CA, Freunden des A-level German Programm,  housemates, teachers, SS old friends far and wide, to-be adopted sons and daughters in Africa and of course, lover of my life, God. My life would never be wholesome with one of you missing. Have a blessed Valentine, I love you all with whole of my fist-size heart. May blessings trail you, Prost!

Whoosh..It’s already at the end of the 3rd week since school reopened. A new semester started, 3 more to go. Something have changed, others remained. Everyday, the same pattern repeats, there are no specific things to look forward to.

I’m still surviving and breathing, still unable to differentiate between jokes and facts. I’m still the reclusive species, hard to break down my outer shield and having the smallest social circle. Nothing has changed much since secondary school. Those times when I was in KK, I have my housemates to talk to in utter transparence.

There’s Ng with his ever ready arm to serve as my punchsack when I moan about careless mistakes after each exam paper was handed back. There’s Jason who made me laugh and there’s Emily with her gossips and ever creative ideas on cooking. Oh, and Vincent who dragged me along to badminton courts and put up with chickens like me.

Here, when I even dare to moan about careless mistakes, I get this “Don’t act” face they give me. I have a signature label “study nonstop” and got complained when I stayed up late to finish my homework. Sometimes it gets a little tiring to defend myself.

I’ve got so many things to say but well, Carol is no longer here in physique. Somehow, God tells me “Hey, time to open up to people here in INTEC.” I admit that I’m not good at talking, even to my classmates.

This week I was drenched by heavy rain 3 days in a row. First day: when I was walking to Goethe. Several guards in front of the U.S. embassy watched me like I am a miserable entertainment. I remembered the last time when I was caught in a rain, I prayed so hard for it to stop. It didn’t. A green Mercedes stopped in front of me instead with the school most popular senior guy inside, asking me to hop in and sent me back up till the gate of the house I rented with my friends. This time, I prayed twice harder; I got showered by the rain twice harder.

It really gets harder when you’re growing and you really have to leave the comfortable spiritual nursery zone where whatever you pray, you got better answers than whatever you ask for. It’s so great that Jesus spoon fed you and you’re stripped to a baby chair and every distance you crawl is watched by God’s eyes. You are so well protected. But somehow, it’s not for long. Learning to walk requires some fall. When you start eating yourself, sometimes you’ll get dishes that are not what you want from God but which are best for you in God’s view. You might want sweeter dessert but God says “No, take fruits.” You might say “Not fair. I want what I want.” God is our dietitian for our spiritual body. Looking at the nutritious perspective, He knows somehow in the sourness of fruits, we’ll gain vitamin that will protect our body from attacks. We learned through events that we do not like the taste of it. But we are strengthened through it. And for this, I’ll try to appreciate the sourness of God’s arrangement because my spiritual needs to be stronger.

I think it is time to wrap up this year. This time I’m not going to say time flies because the first year away from home is not something that I would classify as joyous fleeting moments.
    I’ve tried a lot of new things this year though and also fulfilled my pledge like donating 450ml of my O positive blood 2 days after I’m 18 which is when I’m eligible to do so without parent’s consent. I’ve also become rapid KL regular customer and natural promoter of the bus service to everyone I know because I travel in it nearly on a daily basis which only stripped 4 bucks off my fortune for a day pass.
Besides, I’ve broken what I call "The Grace Ham’s Book of Record" by not eating for 36 hours and not sleeping for 36 hours, both done continuously. Trust me, it was nuts and I’m not going to try it again. If these are not significant enough, I’ve embarked on a trip to Taiping without any of my family members escorting.
      This year, I’ve registered into 2 colleges and stayed in each for half a year. One in KK, Borneo Island and another in INTEC UiTm, Shah Alam, a.k.a. Porkless Malay Territory. I’ve attended two grand dinners which were both held to farewell seniors, each in different college; in one of them, I was the emcee. It wasn’t the first time but since I wore lip gloss and it was difficult to talk notwithstanding the fact that I have to stand really still during long speeches and make out cues and lip-read what my partner said, it was a whole lot difference when I did it the first time in a music festival.
I’ve finally accomplished my decade-long covet to watch the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra play live in Petronas Philharmonic hall which is in Tower 2, one of the Twin Tower that marked the world’s tallest Twin Tower in “The Guinness Book of Record”. It means I was actually in the famous tower, inside its legendary Orchestra hall. My goosebumps stood. My dream came true.
    On stepping out of my comfort zone, I’ve being called to take charge of cell group in CAMPUS ALIVE Christian Fellowship. I’ve tried leading songs and Bible Study for the first time; during one of the social CA, I’ve been a backup singer too and have jumped on the stage for the first time. I’ve signed up to help out for ACTS KIDS and attended planning meetings and decorated the church into a safari jungle. It was the first time I dealt with little kids that needed me to carry up to the toilet seats to wee wee and at the sink to wash their hands; it was the first time I was being called "Auntie Grace" and "Teacher Grace”; it was the first time I read bed-time stories to kids and being screamed "I hate you"(though that kid cuddled up to me later and hugged me and kissed me on my cheeks–twice, and it was the first time I got kissed too). I was overjoyed and it was the first time that I thought kids weren’t so bad after all and since then, I started smiling at every kid I bump into in malls, on the streets, in rapid KL buses and started singing to 2 of my baby cousins.
        I also attempted a half hug with my grandpa who turned 70 on 15th Dec and tried preaching to my grandma. Moreover, I persuaded my granny (who is my dad’s mum and not my grandma which is my mum’s mum) to buy me a Mocha Latté at Coffee Bean.
    I also tried shooting with a rifle under my dad’s instructions when I was in Indonesia. I nearly missed the chickens,thanks God. In Bali, I tried parasailing first time in my life (it was like floating above the sea with a parachute) and lots of water sport like flying fish and snorkeling for the first time.
    The biggest thing that has happened this year was taking up German and performing a German Drama in a Speech Contest in front of ambassadors and native German-speaking Europeans. My course mates and I went out with my German lecturer for Indian food and we played bowling after that. I know I am ball-phobic but amazingly I strike for the first time with a number 8 ball (without rails on the side to fence off the drains)!! I was so psyched and I loved my lecturer cheered me on.
    To end this year, I cut my hair really short, above my ears, for a change and that would be considered as my first time trying out a new hair style too.
    I look forward to next year with better results, more chances to serve the Lord and more German to pollute my English. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Cheers to all.

24 Oct:I teased an "old" friend about him getting old
27 Oct:I join him in the realm of the old.
Ng, I’m expecting a warm welcome as i join you.
    Many family members and friends absolutely have no intention to leave me alone while i mourn for my passing years of adolescence and bid farewell to my youthful years in an atmosphere of utter sullenness. The haze which has long since concealed the blueness of sky and the sailing of clouds is finally lifted. Thanks Heavenly Father, this is the greatest gift that I received from you.
    To my uttermost bewilderment, I’ve received 3 (considered long-duration)phone calls from totally unexpected people, viz. Kluang old friend, Huimun, KK Kenawai ex-housemates and master minds behind the deceive of mango-mushroom, Ng, Emily and Jason and also Banana Wong. It’s been fabulous to hear from you all, I mean, practically HEAR you guys saying "happy birthday" to a growing-old lady like me. Thanks a whole lot and I miss you guys more than words can describe.             Those who waited until midnight and sent their greetings precisely at 12, bunches of thanks. Also not forgetting unexpected CA bro and sis: Gloria, Helen, Erin, Amanda, Jim, Joash. Thank you and by the way, I’m still wondering how did you guys come to know about it? Immanuel and God Bless you.
    Miraculously, those who are somewhere out there in the blue resurfaced with greetings of birthdays like Cheah Ying, Gavin and Chan Chui Joo. Your regards are of heartwarming blessings to me.
    On solid wise, I received an airplane model from my beloved coursemates, Saw and Lyana, a bookmark from my housemate, Pat, a sketch of airplane from my cousin and 2 drawings from Eileen (one of airplane and the other, a magnificent piece that has dropped my jaw).thanks for the sacrificial of time and energy in every stroke and every shade. Your efforts shoke the very fibre of my heart’s core. Your company during the rest of the day as we browsed through every book in Kinokuniya and your cheesecake-eating-feat will be a vivid memory that I should carry as long as my breathe persist. To my relatives, "thanks" would be too meagre  as a return for the food you have prepared that made the table groaned under its weight.

    My best friend, Carol, oceans away from me, I miss you too. Sorry for the cell-phone battery incident.
    While age takes over me and the nightmare continues for me, I just want to say thanks. May the Lord bless you. Danke schön und Gottes Segen. If I’ve left out anyone, have mercy on me and forgive this faux pas.

Das ist die erste Zeit, dass ich in Deutsch Blog schreibe. Haha..Also kann ich alles schreibe, schließen es Unsinn natürlich ein,  weil niemand außer meinen Kurspartnern versteht kann. Gestern sind meine Freundinnen und ich in Cell Group gegangen und wurde ich die Liederleiterin. Ach, ich muss ausgehen, dass ich eine sehr schlechte Leiterin war, bis alle eingeschliefen..Heutzutage stehe ich den Gestank nicht aus, den meine Mitbewohnerin mitbringt. Hoffentlich verseucht er mich nicht in zweieinhalb Jahre. Ja,ja..ich hoffe..ich werde zu Gott für diesem beten.
Als nächstes hat ich meine Mutter angerufen. Dann hat ihr Cell Group und die ausgegeben Zeit für CA und Evangelism erzählt. Danach hat sie sofort wütend geworden. Sie sagte, dass ich nicht mehr Zeit für Studien habe, während anderen Studenten fleißig sind. Ich hat mit großen Mühe sie überredet. haih….Sie musst an mich glaube..
Schließlich will ich jemand töten. Ich bin sehr enttäuscht auf ihm. Glücklicherweise kann er  nicht verstehen was ich geschrieben habe..Ich will ihn anschreien. Ich will so seine Haare schneiden und brennen. Haha..ich hasse, dass er seit er nach KL gekommen ist verwandelt hat. Wow..ich fühle jetzt gut;ich hat nämlich alles hier ohne Personen wissen herausgeströmt. Sehr wunderbar..sehr sehr super..Prima..genau..und so weiter..ich habe keine adjektiv mehr..

I’m back on. I’ve got so much to write for future reference.  Now, I finally understand why the author of "Peter Pan" ever thought of kids not desiring to step over and take over adulthood. When everything seems to flash by matter-of-factly, it´s hard not to accept that life moves on, you just don´t have the choice. It´s time for me to turn on a fresh page boldly by myself.
Life is harsh in the outside world. No matter how much I hate to ring my mum up and ask for allowances, how unwilling am I to approach the ATM machine to punch in the numbers, all I could do is to mourn for my dad´s endless and tedious obligation to provide all of these for me.
I know that more culture shocks await me ahead. When new things come along, I´ll probably search wildly for an "airsick bag" to confide all my shocks, as so far, such thing as "culture-filter" is currently unavailable in the market.
Those days of wearing the bright-blue uniform, white shirt and green pants have long since come to an ending chapter. People changes, externally and internally, like a non-stop train. Now, all physical, mental and emotional trials await for me to taste its sweetness and bitterness.
The only solace is that when I weep, God weeps with me as well. He is watching tenderly as I take up the cup of each challenge and swig it until the last drop at the bottom.